(warning: language)
I really am tired of this crap, im tired of thinking "everythings better now, i can move on" but NO fuck that everything ends up worse!
tired of it
My mum 2-3 weeks ago left and then came back after a few days.The whole time she was gone its like the rug was pulled from underneath me and i had to start over again. What i mean by that is, its like i done even know my self now, i dont know my dad, my friends anyone. Its really like i have to start from the ground up
And its not cause i loved my mum, no i hate her and i dont hate very many people (if you want to know i hate about 6+mum)
She has ruin my life and i must start over anyway, its hard because i cant tell am i moving away from people or what? I am so out of touch on everything any more. (sorry if this is confusing i suck at explaining)

Im tired of feeling Numb, its like i dont have any emotions any more i cry for no reason get angry out of no where i cant control what i cant feel, no one knows how hard that is, and that makes it harder for me to change.
Thats a reason i left my BF (he gave me issuse too but still)
what i was i to tell him? "oh i like you but i really dont have that emotion"? that makes no sense! If you loved some one shouldent you feel something? It sucks cause i cant feel anything, like i said before i cant even feel when im angry so its hard for me to get why my friends are looking at me odd or getting mad back.
only thing i can FUCKING feel anymore is this weight in my chest and shoulders and i FUCKING hate it more than i hate mum! I dont know how i can get rid if it! It wont leave....its so bad that i have to fake laughing anymore sometimes...i know somethings funny everyone else is laughing so not to be weird i do it too...

So fucking tired of having one good day and then after that SHIT after SHIT day comes
example, last week, monday BEST DAY EVER i dotn care if santa and jesus and GOD dubbed me ruler of th earth, that would not match how i felt that day. I was thinking th whole time "this is how other people must feel, maybe i finely shook that weight off!" i was so happy i felt like i could take on anything. The next day was a little less and day after day got worse. (maybe im looking at every thing wrong?)

Im tired of being tired! I get too much sleep im tired i get to little im FUCKING TIRED! i dont even remember whats it like to be well rested...or even not tired at all...

IM SICK AND TIRED of not knowing what th fuck is going on! past 2-3 weeks i have no clue whats going on at home or with my friends!
Its like i dont even know my dad anymore! I dont know whats going on at home, i use to know what was going on like 'if mum was gonna blow up today' or not shit like that i knew or if 'we were going to loose th house' stuff
not anymore
My friends its like i just walked up to a bunch of strangers now i dont even know them...or what going on with them

Just tired of so much, im trying to look in th good in life (i do enjoy th little things, like 'thank yous' or blue skys)
I really feel like ever scents last week its like i lost, everyone, im frustrated, im angry, im sad, im TIRED i just want some damn relief from this illness!!! Its been 3 going on 4 years with being numb! And my whole life dodging mother! Listoning to fights wondering "what th FUCKS gonna happen today!?" I just want something level for once...something that i know if i lose i can get back
Tired of feeling like i have no control over anything anymore when i know thats not true (its odd i know)
I wish i could say its not fair, but i donno. I keep telling my self i dont have it too bad. At lease i have a home, and some what a family. some kids dont even have that, you know?

I dono this is just a stupid rant, I'll probably come back to this and think its stupid too...